Redemption

You do not talk about things
You only glance at words
And let the minds of men
Draw what strands they seek

In the cold damp darkness of being
Wherein there is stillness of inaction
Only an abyss of thought
And of periodic motion driven by gravity
Towards the nothingness of fantasy

Sometimes windows appear - to what life
Could have been, should have been,
And sights and visions cloud the darkness
Transporting the self into realms
Of possibilities and empty actions
(Because they are empty as the abyss itself)
But then they throw the self back
Back into the abyss - the self never leaves
The abyss - because the self is the abyss

Good - Evil are but the same thought
The same emotion - flipped over, drawn out
And strewn in front of the world
And logic and illogic meld together
In words spoken and words heard
Wherein the mind sees not what is there
(For what is there truly but the mind)
But what the mind can bear to see
Can want to see, Desires to see

But what about that canker that gnaws
The heart to emptiness and implodes
Everyday under the debilitating burden
Of Self pity, self hatred, self love and self pride
What of the self that consumes itself
Each moment in drawn out epochs of
Pride mired in loathing and love drowned hate

Light snowed down in abruptness of dusk
And lights of the world dim in the end
To welcome the darkness of the night
Where the gaze cannot see and therefore
Creates a world that it can bear to see
And in that bearing it must find its redemption

Because there are no messiahs, there are no realizations
There are no epiphanies, there are no truths
There are no commandments, there are no traditions
There is only self - that gnawing, loathing, pitying, dying
Yet living self - the only redemption, the only salvation

Punch Drunk

Your head goes round and round
Snippets and flippets crowd your head
She said she said she said something
Something about being friends, staying friends
Something about not thinking about you like "that"
What is "that" - thats what you want to know
Why is he "that" and you are not - you want to know

Again your head goes round and round
I am disappointed in you he says
His large big swelling head
I expected more of you says that large big head
Clothed in white - that large big head
What are you who are you?
Man who says to you about disappointedness
Why is he disappointed in you, you think
Oh because ... you remember, you drunk piece of -
You do remember and then you laugh raucously

Again your head goes round and round
You are sitting in an empty room
The low hum of water surrounds you
You close your eyes and let your thoughts wander
What if everybody in the world has suddenly died
And you are the only one left - you would still sit here
For an hour and then go out only to find everything
Everything empty, everything gone, nothing
Nothing there nothing no more

Your head goes round and round and round
Round and round through your life
Your true life, your imagined life
Your dull life, your cliched life, your boring life
Your fantastic, phatasmagoric, phlogistonic life
Your life, nevertheless - you would live it
A thousand more times if possible.

Inaction

Sit still
Sit very very still
And feel the throbbing of you heart
That constant, periodic, dire throbbing
That irritating pulsating life force of humans
That drives them onwards and forwards, to go on

Speak not
Speak not any word
And ask not why the reason
That irritating croaking voice of yours
That rasping, roving, rearing, fearing tone
That drives me insane each time I hear you go on

Lie down
Lie there and don't get up!
And forever sleep in that thorny bed
That bed of futile dreams woven in sterile threads
That bed where all your wishes lie strewn like prickly thorns
That prick you to draw your dull cold red lifeless blood off you still mind

Inaction
Stillness
Vacillating
Time
Stopped

Essence of things

What lies beneath those sounds
Those streams of pressure waves
Through the air through my ear
To my head swirling through the
Billion neurons in my head
Where they collapse into that
Pulsating whole - and transport
Me to a universe where
Things are just right

Muddles

Last night I dreamed
A dreary, confused, bright dream

They say that dreams
Are a confused recollection of the day
Or of memories of past stirred
By words, thoughts and flavors of a time gone by

Perhaps they don't say it at all
Perhaps that is what I think

But my dream was a confusion
A rush to go somewhere - a destination
Where I forget, perhaps it did not matter
An unease of leaving the place where I start
Perhaps that "where" too did not matter

I stood with six friends
Six separate friends, friends who never
Knew each other

I do not even remember who they were
Only that there were six, six of us
And all of us were headed
To the same destination
Yet all of us were headed in different ways
Where, again I do not know
Perhaps it does not matter

I was unsure though
I was unsure of my journey
I was unsure of how I was headed
The where did not matter
I asked each of them
"How are you going to go?"
Each smiled and told me
Why they could not take me with them
Each time I smiled back understandingly
With that slight (ever so slight) resentment
Of me not being included
But each time I smiled
That understanding smile that we give
All day to each other sowing little seeds
Of resentment

And then
I walked away
Or did they all walk away first ?
Purposefully on their ways
And I remained standing

But finally I walked away
I walked through crowd of faceless people
Towards some path, something
That would take me to my destination
Where, it did not matter

And here is the part I remember the most
I passed by them, those two, on my way
They never turned, they never noticed
But I passed by them - I saw their faces
She looked good - thinner, more graceful, restrained
He was smiling, more mature, restrained
I did not hear what they were saying
But I could see that they were not in love any more
They were talking like friends who crossed
A boundary and then walked back
And now they are unsure of each other
And are civil to each other
"Civil" how painful that word is
To use for lovers

I hope it was just a dream
I hope they are still together