I'd like to think myself as brilliant, brilliant and dangerous. I am brilliant alright, always in the top of my class and the rest but the dangerous part is not evident. You see I am a pretty cool guy, generally smiling, ready to help, ready to make friends and sometimes go out of turn to help people. Generally people tend to like me, I got a six foot of a big body and face that does not add to in any way to my amiability but when people find me docile and mostly harmless, they tend to like me, kind of like a large, big, pet, brute, obedient and harmless dog. Which is okay by me, most of the time.
Before I go on you should know another thing. I am pretty impulsive, in a good way. I do things impulsively and think later about what I did. But mostly these are out of turn generosities to other people which makes me more friends. But I also do other unpredictable things which amaze me most of the time. But I believe in one thing, one ahould not fight against oneself, not until it is causing problems to others. I like myself the way I am, a narcissist if you will.
Okay now on with it. They say that one should have a goal in my life, a final aim to which end one might channel one's efforts and achieve "success". Well this belief troubled me a lot. Because for most of my life I did not have any aim. You see I got bored of things pretty easily. I could never stick to anything, nothing. I would take up something new with every bit of enthusiasm that you would like. But then I would reach a level and then poof ! all the interest would be gone. Just dead, sometimes I would even develop an antipathy to that thing.
Okay so here I was, midway in my academic career, with no clear goal in site. Just doing whatever I was told to do. I was doing my engineering then as an undergraduate in one of the more reputed institutes of India. Life was going K.O. But then I discovered something I could not get over.
It would be a pretty anticlimax for you to know it. But I guess I was in some ways like any other hyper-hormonal teen. Well, yes, it was a girl. She wasn't Helen of Troy stuff or even Pamela Anderson Lee stuff, just a girl. Didn't know much about her then. Can't remember when I first saw her, not "love at first sight" stuff. But I noticed that gradually my thoughts started centering around her. Every train of thought seemed to go round like spiral and come to rest on her. I fantasized about her, elaborate fanatsies at that and all the stuff I guess love struck teens do. I even thought I was going crazy about her during sometime. Crazy meaning insane, but it passed. But my want remained sticking to me like leech never letting go.
Of course the next logical step would have been to get to know her and stuff. But it was not that simple. She was going steady with this guy I knew, a casual acquaintance. It felt wrong somehow to intrude into someone's life like that. Besides I hardly knew her. Anyways exams and stuff came and I thought the thing blew over.
But it was not to be. Back home every night I was plagued by her thoughts, persisting like something cancerous. It felt strange and novel. To have something that actually was refusing to go. Something that my mind was refusing to getting bored of. The want instead of diminishing or steadying seemed to grow. When the next semester started I was almost 'aching' to see her again. This was something really novel and interesting. I was never attached to anyone very much. But this girl seemed to be growing on me without me even having exchanged few words with her. Next time I saw her was of course with this guy. But I wasn't jealous or angry at the guy. I felt a kind of empathy for him. But by then I realized this thing seemed to be going out of hand. I had to do something about it.
Opportunity came knocking at my doors soon. In a way I never thought possible. It was this night you see I was cycling around aimlessly thinking about nothing in particular. It was summer, the vacations time. My place remains pretty deserted then, I was in the campus doing some extra curricular stuff. So there I was cycling around in a particularly lonely stretch of road. Then I came upon her all alone bending over her bicycle. The chain seemed to have got undone or something. But she was having trouble resetting it. Being the gentleman that I am, I stopped to help.
Although the campus is a safe place, being a place far way from the city situated in a place, you could call (after stretching your imagination a bit) a forest, it has these occasional visitations of wild animals, mostly harmless like Nilagais and deer. But occasionally snakes. I have even heard of some pythons residing in the campus. But I find that hard to believe, the food required for a healthy python would be difficult to find in this place.
Anyways so here I was setting up her bicycle chain. When I should look up to see big hooded black snake staring at me. I am not a coward but a snake does not see bravery. So I leapt back, startled.
Being of the bulk I am I hit the poor girl in full force and sure enough she toppled right back, tripped over the pavement and fell with a sickening thud. The snake meanwhile probably as surprised to see me as I was to see him slithered off in darkness right back to where it came from. Watching it go I turned to look at the girl and sure enough she was lying there on the pavement knocked out cold.
Now comes the point where most people would find this unbelievable. But you see my mind does not work in normal ways. I am brilliant as well as dangerous. And I do impulsive things, things that I do first and think upon later. So here I was standing with the girl I was supposed to be in "love" with (I had figured it out by now that this was to be "love" for me if anything ever was) lying knocked out cold on a pavement with nobody in sight in a dark night. Before you get any wrong ideas, no, I wasn't a sex crazy fanatic. But I was crazy that night (by definition of all you normal people out there). So this is what I did. I dragged her body into the undergrowth. I took of my belt wrapped it around her neck and strangled her to death.
Yup, I killed her alright. I checked, by the time I was finished, she wasn't breathing anymore and her face had gone white somehow. But anyway after I had killed her, I thought upon it. It would not do to leave it in the open, too risky. As I thought almost repenting on my rash decision, I saw something glint in the moonlight within the undergrowth. Spying it out I crawled to pull it up. Bless my luck, an old shovel ! Now everything was clear. I dragged the body even more into the undergrowth and spied out a small clearing. With sudden after thought, I went out to the road and dragged both our bicycles into the undergrowth. Soon I was digging grave for the body. As I was half way through, I heard the sound of a jeep coming.
I stopped digging and stood totally still. It was the campus security personnel on their all night patrols. As the sound drew closer, a thrill passed through my body, what if they found me. Here, standing with a shovel in hand with a dead body on the side. I would surely be damned. Nothing would save me, not even god. But the jeep came and passed by. I resumed shoveling.
It was after half an hour and one more jeep crossing that I finally dug up a hole big enough for her. I dragged the body and laid it down in the hole. It fit in okay. Then I looked at that face shining in the moonlight for half a minute. This was probably the longest that I had looked at her face. It looked peaceful and beautiful. Then I filled up the hole. I padded the ground flat and strewed some undergrowth on it so that it would not stand out. I also hid the shovel, carefully wiping off my fingerprints from it. There still was her cycle though. I could not hide it there and I had no inclination of burying it. But then I though of the nala nearby.
It was a low lying nala that went under the road through a small cement tunnel. I carried the cycle down into the nala. It was perfect there were large reeds in which the cyle remained hidden completely and I was sure nobody would ever come down here to look for anything.
Then I calmly came out to the road. Made sure no one was there and then took out my bicycle and went on my way. My pants were dripping wet to my knees because of my excursion to the nala so I cycled around until they were dry and then went back to my hostel.
They never found the body. All kind of theories floated around in the campus, that she'd run off with someone (the public always like these kinds of things) or she'd kidnapped and stuff. But they never ever found any trace of her. I remember, her parents came to the campus, tragic stuff. But they never found even a trace of her body or her cycle. I guess I must give police the credit for that.
Now before you go on passing judgements about me, let me make one thing clear I have no qualms for what I did, none. I thought over it much and I theorised something about why I did it. You see I did not really "love" her as the general meaning of the word goes. I was attached to the "want" of her. I had made some fantasies in my mind and real people rarely turn up to be what one dreams them to be. I had made dream about her and a "want", which to me was infinitely more powerful than her actuality. But she was there and this was what rankled me, my mind. So that night when I killed her I took care of that problem. After that she would never be there to rankle my mind. She would live forever in my mind as a "want" an "obsession". And of course she would not be anybody else's ever.
I never went back to that place again for all of my stay. Then I went abroad for higher studies never to return.
I lead a happy life now. I am married, of course I dont "love" my wife, no... that girl was my first and last "love". But the arrangement between me and my wife works okay. I haven't made murdering a habit. I have not killed anymore till now. I am in fact a respected member of my community and am well known in the city council circles as an honest and dependable man. I never repent on what I did either, thats not my way. Sometimes when I am driving alone from work on a lonely stretch I think about her and the final image I have of her, Her face in the soil, shining in the moonlight looking peaceful and beautiful. But I never repent, I guess I love myself too much for that, narcissist if you will.
A "shilling shocker" written sometime in my undergraduate years. Didn't get paid for this though. For people who don't know "nala" = a rivulet and "jeep" = a generic term for a Jeep like vehicle in India primarily used by cops
Before I go on you should know another thing. I am pretty impulsive, in a good way. I do things impulsively and think later about what I did. But mostly these are out of turn generosities to other people which makes me more friends. But I also do other unpredictable things which amaze me most of the time. But I believe in one thing, one ahould not fight against oneself, not until it is causing problems to others. I like myself the way I am, a narcissist if you will.
Okay now on with it. They say that one should have a goal in my life, a final aim to which end one might channel one's efforts and achieve "success". Well this belief troubled me a lot. Because for most of my life I did not have any aim. You see I got bored of things pretty easily. I could never stick to anything, nothing. I would take up something new with every bit of enthusiasm that you would like. But then I would reach a level and then poof ! all the interest would be gone. Just dead, sometimes I would even develop an antipathy to that thing.
Okay so here I was, midway in my academic career, with no clear goal in site. Just doing whatever I was told to do. I was doing my engineering then as an undergraduate in one of the more reputed institutes of India. Life was going K.O. But then I discovered something I could not get over.
It would be a pretty anticlimax for you to know it. But I guess I was in some ways like any other hyper-hormonal teen. Well, yes, it was a girl. She wasn't Helen of Troy stuff or even Pamela Anderson Lee stuff, just a girl. Didn't know much about her then. Can't remember when I first saw her, not "love at first sight" stuff. But I noticed that gradually my thoughts started centering around her. Every train of thought seemed to go round like spiral and come to rest on her. I fantasized about her, elaborate fanatsies at that and all the stuff I guess love struck teens do. I even thought I was going crazy about her during sometime. Crazy meaning insane, but it passed. But my want remained sticking to me like leech never letting go.
Of course the next logical step would have been to get to know her and stuff. But it was not that simple. She was going steady with this guy I knew, a casual acquaintance. It felt wrong somehow to intrude into someone's life like that. Besides I hardly knew her. Anyways exams and stuff came and I thought the thing blew over.
But it was not to be. Back home every night I was plagued by her thoughts, persisting like something cancerous. It felt strange and novel. To have something that actually was refusing to go. Something that my mind was refusing to getting bored of. The want instead of diminishing or steadying seemed to grow. When the next semester started I was almost 'aching' to see her again. This was something really novel and interesting. I was never attached to anyone very much. But this girl seemed to be growing on me without me even having exchanged few words with her. Next time I saw her was of course with this guy. But I wasn't jealous or angry at the guy. I felt a kind of empathy for him. But by then I realized this thing seemed to be going out of hand. I had to do something about it.
Opportunity came knocking at my doors soon. In a way I never thought possible. It was this night you see I was cycling around aimlessly thinking about nothing in particular. It was summer, the vacations time. My place remains pretty deserted then, I was in the campus doing some extra curricular stuff. So there I was cycling around in a particularly lonely stretch of road. Then I came upon her all alone bending over her bicycle. The chain seemed to have got undone or something. But she was having trouble resetting it. Being the gentleman that I am, I stopped to help.
Although the campus is a safe place, being a place far way from the city situated in a place, you could call (after stretching your imagination a bit) a forest, it has these occasional visitations of wild animals, mostly harmless like Nilagais and deer. But occasionally snakes. I have even heard of some pythons residing in the campus. But I find that hard to believe, the food required for a healthy python would be difficult to find in this place.
Anyways so here I was setting up her bicycle chain. When I should look up to see big hooded black snake staring at me. I am not a coward but a snake does not see bravery. So I leapt back, startled.
Being of the bulk I am I hit the poor girl in full force and sure enough she toppled right back, tripped over the pavement and fell with a sickening thud. The snake meanwhile probably as surprised to see me as I was to see him slithered off in darkness right back to where it came from. Watching it go I turned to look at the girl and sure enough she was lying there on the pavement knocked out cold.
Now comes the point where most people would find this unbelievable. But you see my mind does not work in normal ways. I am brilliant as well as dangerous. And I do impulsive things, things that I do first and think upon later. So here I was standing with the girl I was supposed to be in "love" with (I had figured it out by now that this was to be "love" for me if anything ever was) lying knocked out cold on a pavement with nobody in sight in a dark night. Before you get any wrong ideas, no, I wasn't a sex crazy fanatic. But I was crazy that night (by definition of all you normal people out there). So this is what I did. I dragged her body into the undergrowth. I took of my belt wrapped it around her neck and strangled her to death.
Yup, I killed her alright. I checked, by the time I was finished, she wasn't breathing anymore and her face had gone white somehow. But anyway after I had killed her, I thought upon it. It would not do to leave it in the open, too risky. As I thought almost repenting on my rash decision, I saw something glint in the moonlight within the undergrowth. Spying it out I crawled to pull it up. Bless my luck, an old shovel ! Now everything was clear. I dragged the body even more into the undergrowth and spied out a small clearing. With sudden after thought, I went out to the road and dragged both our bicycles into the undergrowth. Soon I was digging grave for the body. As I was half way through, I heard the sound of a jeep coming.
I stopped digging and stood totally still. It was the campus security personnel on their all night patrols. As the sound drew closer, a thrill passed through my body, what if they found me. Here, standing with a shovel in hand with a dead body on the side. I would surely be damned. Nothing would save me, not even god. But the jeep came and passed by. I resumed shoveling.
It was after half an hour and one more jeep crossing that I finally dug up a hole big enough for her. I dragged the body and laid it down in the hole. It fit in okay. Then I looked at that face shining in the moonlight for half a minute. This was probably the longest that I had looked at her face. It looked peaceful and beautiful. Then I filled up the hole. I padded the ground flat and strewed some undergrowth on it so that it would not stand out. I also hid the shovel, carefully wiping off my fingerprints from it. There still was her cycle though. I could not hide it there and I had no inclination of burying it. But then I though of the nala nearby.
It was a low lying nala that went under the road through a small cement tunnel. I carried the cycle down into the nala. It was perfect there were large reeds in which the cyle remained hidden completely and I was sure nobody would ever come down here to look for anything.
Then I calmly came out to the road. Made sure no one was there and then took out my bicycle and went on my way. My pants were dripping wet to my knees because of my excursion to the nala so I cycled around until they were dry and then went back to my hostel.
They never found the body. All kind of theories floated around in the campus, that she'd run off with someone (the public always like these kinds of things) or she'd kidnapped and stuff. But they never ever found any trace of her. I remember, her parents came to the campus, tragic stuff. But they never found even a trace of her body or her cycle. I guess I must give police the credit for that.
Now before you go on passing judgements about me, let me make one thing clear I have no qualms for what I did, none. I thought over it much and I theorised something about why I did it. You see I did not really "love" her as the general meaning of the word goes. I was attached to the "want" of her. I had made some fantasies in my mind and real people rarely turn up to be what one dreams them to be. I had made dream about her and a "want", which to me was infinitely more powerful than her actuality. But she was there and this was what rankled me, my mind. So that night when I killed her I took care of that problem. After that she would never be there to rankle my mind. She would live forever in my mind as a "want" an "obsession". And of course she would not be anybody else's ever.
I never went back to that place again for all of my stay. Then I went abroad for higher studies never to return.
I lead a happy life now. I am married, of course I dont "love" my wife, no... that girl was my first and last "love". But the arrangement between me and my wife works okay. I haven't made murdering a habit. I have not killed anymore till now. I am in fact a respected member of my community and am well known in the city council circles as an honest and dependable man. I never repent on what I did either, thats not my way. Sometimes when I am driving alone from work on a lonely stretch I think about her and the final image I have of her, Her face in the soil, shining in the moonlight looking peaceful and beautiful. But I never repent, I guess I love myself too much for that, narcissist if you will.
A "shilling shocker" written sometime in my undergraduate years. Didn't get paid for this though. For people who don't know "nala" = a rivulet and "jeep" = a generic term for a Jeep like vehicle in India primarily used by cops
1 comment:
enjoyed ur shilling shocker! :-)
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