A short Introduction to Eggology

“The Point is to get things done”, these were the immortal words of the philosopher-janitor Bubbly Montenegro. The fact the he was trying to defend his usage of radioactive waste to destroy the bugs is his Office Building has been since regarded as merely existentialist trash and hence has been the subject of many a PhD theses.

The year is 5070 C.E and dugongs are extinct. The world is united under the banner of Great Crab Hoth and there are twenty five certified holidays in the official calendar. Humanity has gone out in space and come right back declaring the inter-stellar travel is boring. Except for a few groups of unbeatable voyagers who constantly plan grandiose voyages and dream about the beautiful Pleasuring Animals of Tau Ceti, nobody seems to give a damn. Actually the existence of Pleasuring Animals (who, the story claims, can provide you with all sorts of sexual pleasure no matter how perverted or twisted) is a myth created by a certain clever grad student who wanted to fund her research.

The world exists in a constant state of turmoil with regards to certain deep ideological concerns about the great problem of the Egg of Columbus. While it has been proved without doubt (except for a few disgruntled Chefs whose leader Count Phillipe Du Fromage uttered the immortal words “The Egg is my birthright and I shall have it, boiled that is” and promptly threw an egg at the flag of Great Crab Hoth) that this is the ultimate question of the Universe, the answer is nowhere in sight. Actually the turmoil is essentially limited to the hallowed halls of the Universities and Research Laboratories of the world and the rest of the world doesn’t give a damn about the Egg unless it is on their breakfast plate. But the academia has always been known to take a global perspective of the problem. In fact the rest of the world is actually united under the Flag of the Great Crab Hoth who walks sideways and sure as hell doesn’t give a damn about Eggs.

The great problem of the Egg of Columbus dates back to, as the well known linguist Kevlar Kitanama quips, well before Yo’ Mama was born. The story goes like this, Columbus, a wise guy of his times, decided to make a point is some guy’s wedding. So he imperiously stood up in the middle of ceremonies (a series of disconnected set of actions that were an inherent part of ‘well before Yo’ Mama was born’ times) and declared that the gentleman was a fool and he could prove it. The gentleman angered as well as amused by Columbus (who was a very wise guy indeed) accepted the challenge. So Columbus took an Egg and challenged the guy who was about to get married to make it stand on the end. The guy (who it turned out was Spanish, but which has no bearing whatsoever with the story except for a group of Evolutionologists who claim that this guy was indeed the missing link between Homo Sapiens and Homosexuals and claimed finding his fossils in Spain) tried and failed after many attempts at making the Egg do so. Some academicians claim that this guy was indeed the first ever true Scientist. It is common consensus that this is the useful part of the story and anything that happened afterwards is inessential to the proposition of the problem, the Greatest Problem of the Universe had been proposed publicly for the first time.

However for the sake of completeness (which is a myth according to the Historian Daddy Longlegs) is that the wise guy Columbus took the Egg broke at the narrower end, made it stand and winked at the bride. It is at this point the things get complicated as exactly half of the academicians (Research doesn’t pay as well so every researcher is also a teacher or an academician - wise guys who teach teachers) agree that Columbus had solved the problem and all academicians should shut their traps, resign from their posts and don fluffy pink dresses and join the Bolshoi Ballet. The other half vigorously claims that Columbus was just a wise guy who was leching at the bride and didn’t know a dang about Eggology.

But such was the ignorance of the Human race that the problem went largely ignored by the barbaric scientific community which was still concerned with unimportant stuff like “Unified Field Theory”, “The Origin of the Universe” and the “The Stasis Fields of Temporally Fluctuating Hadron Systems”. It was only in the year 3498 C.E that when the philosopher Yo’ Mama spoke out that humanity was put in the right path and people lived pragmatically ever after (nobody, not even Daddy Longlegs believes that this happened but since everybody says so it must be true, Daddy Longlegs particularly disputes the date as he contends that all great events happen in round years so it is more probable that it actually happened in 3000 C.E, however everybody also agrees that Daddy Longlegs is a liar and a fool)

Yo’ Mama is widely considered as the Mother of Modern Science and was the unfortunate wife to the most barbaric Physicist of her times. The only people who dispute this fact are the ones who say that she was in fact the sister of Modern Science and her parents were the actual Father and Mother of Modern Science. One day she threw her hubby out of the window of her fourth floor house. On being brought to the court for her seemingly mindless action, she is known to have uttered the super-duperly immortal words “Time is better spent on the Egg of Columbus than on work such as his.” Some also regard this as the most foolish statement ever made as Yo’ Mama almost her life due to the barbarianism of the law courts of those days. It is said (and indeed said very loudly by the Speakers at the Council of Great Crab Hoth) that the truth of Yo’ Mama’s super-duperly immortal statement lighted a flame of in hearts of humans and there was revolution and Yo’ Mama was pardoned and she started a very profitable poultry business with the tagline “If you don’t succeed at the first, Egg it”.

Slowly the various great problems of Physics, Sociology, Math, Crab Copulation and Philosophy were reduced to the Egg of Columbus and there was much happiness and rejoicing in the world (which was mostly because of the funds diverted from the utterly unnecessary branches of inquiry went into building theme parks and Video Game arcades) There was some opposition from a few barbaric places which quickly subsided as money was cut off to those places and finally the starving Scientists Egged their original work, literally.

As mentioned before the Eggologists are mainly divided into two camps, the Columbusians (ones who deem Columbus as a wise guy who solved the problems) and the Bubblians (who deem Columbus as the wise guy who was a lecher) and since reams of papers have been wasted and heaps of journals have been published on every aspect of the Egg without any avail, all research has been reduced to an annual Egg throwing Conference between the Columbusians and the Bubblians held at different city dumps each time. The score now is 94:89 with Columbusians leading (particularly because of their drive to recruit retired baseball pitchers) and the problem will be deemed solved when either side accepts defeat or looses the lead by 25. It is also this way of research that is the major point of contention of Phillipe Du Fromage’s group who say that boiled rather than raw eggs should be used in the Conferences.

This was a short introduction to Eggology and its history.

This is my first complete absurdist piece. I still don't like some parts of it, especially the parts where some shallow attempts to "linguistic humor" have crept in however I have not come about refining it.